Metta bhavana: a loving kindness meditation practice
Self love, self compassion and metta bhavana: a loving kindness meditation practice
Hello and thanks for being here. If you’re new here I’m Laura, a counsellor, nature therapist, somatic therapist, meditation teacher and space holder. My offerings are all about supporting you to connect with yourself and the world around you.
Today, I’m sharing a Metta Bhavana meditation practice. Metta Bhavana is a traditional Buddhist meditation, often translated as "loving-kindness" meditation. It’s a form of mindfulness that focuses on consciously developing feelings of love, kindness, and compassion, first towards ourselves, and then gradually extending those feelings to others, including friends, acquaintances and even people we may find challenging. This practice invites us to soften our hearts and minds, and to cultivate a sense of unconditional goodwill. It doesn’t require us to feel a certain way. Instead, it works by setting the intention to care, and gently nurturing that intention through repeated reflection and focused awareness.
Sharing a Metta Bhavana practice feels particularly fitting this week, as Valentine’s Day just passed. This ia time when many of us are thinking about love. But rather than focusing solely on romantic expressions of love, I’ve been reflecting on the idea of love as something we can intentionally cultivate. Especially self-love, which often doesn’t get the attention it deserves.
In the middle of busy lives and external demands, it can be easy to overlook the simple yet powerful act of offering kindness to ourselves. Metta Bhavana is a beautiful way to reconnect with that inner warmth. It reminds us that love is not just a feeling, it’s a practice. One we can return to, again and again.
One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began - Mary Oliver, The Journey
This reflection reminded me of one of the things I shared on Instagram recently: The Journey by Mary Oliver, one of my all-time favourite poems. For me, it is the ultimate expression of what self-love truly looks like, not just in sentiment, but in action. It describes the quiet, courageous process of turning inward, beginning to listen to your own voice, trusting that voice, and taking the first steps towards living a life that feels true to who you are. The line that always stays with me is: “...determined to do the only thing you could do—determined to save the only life you could save.” It’s a reminder that love begins not with grand gestures or external validation, but with the decision to honour and care for your own inner life.
This is the very heart of Metta Bhavana. The practice asks us to turn towards ourselves with gentleness, especially when we feel undeserving or depleted. It reminds us that we don’t have to wait until we feel “enough” to offer ourselves love. In fact, it’s the offering itself and the quiet repetition of phrases like “May I be well. May I be safe. May I be happy. May I live with ease.” that begins to reawaken our sense of worthiness.
Both Metta Bhavana and The Journey offer a simelar truth: that we must start within. We can’t truly love or care for others if we are disconnected from ourselves. We cannot give what we haven’t yet given to ourselves. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
The Myth of Self Love
This idea that love begins within doesn’t mean it happens in isolation. In fact, as Esther Perel explores in her post The Myth of Self-Love, our cultural obsession with individualism often skews the conversation. She reminds us that the journey toward self-love doesn’t happen in a vacuum, it’s shaped by our relationships, our communities, and the broader social systems we live within.
Love is deeply relational. While it’s important to develop a kind and compassionate relationship with ourselves, I don’t believe in the often-repeated idea that “you must love yourself before anyone else can love you.” Frankly, I find that idea pretty harmful. We’re complex human beings, carrying different life experiences, traumas, and self-perceptions. Struggling with self-love doesn’t make us unworthy of love from others. You can absolutely be a caring, supportive friend, partner, or family member even if your relationship with yourself is still a work in progress.
In fact, it’s often through meaningful, loving relationships that we get to see ourselves more clearly and with more compassion. Being loved by others can help us learn how to love ourselves and, sometimes, that external reflection is what we need most. If you’re interested in exploring your own relationship with self-love, I’ve included some reflection questions from Esther Perel’s post below.
Metta bhavana: a loving kindness meditation practice to help you to cultivate feelings of love, kindness, and compassion towards yourself and others.
So let’s explore Metta Bhavana a bit more and try out the practice. The word metta translates as “love” in a broad, non-romantic sense, encompassing qualities like kindness, goodwill, friendliness, and compassion. It’s the warm, open-hearted feeling you might have toward a dear friend, a child, or even a stranger. The word bhavana means development or cultivation. So together, Metta Bhavana can be understood as the “cultivation of loving-kindness.”
This practice gently guides us to expand our capacity for compassion, starting with ourselves and gradually extending outward to others: loved ones, acquaintances, those we find difficult, and eventually all beings. It’s a way of training the heart to remain open, even in the face of difficulty or disconnection. Over time, it can foster greater emotional resilience and increase positive states such as happiness, gratitude, empathy, and inner peace.
What I love about Metta Bhavana is that it doesn’t require us to already feel loving or kind. It simply asks us to show up, to set the intention, and to begin the practice. Especially during times when I’m feeling disconnected or challenged in my relationships, I find this meditation to be a gentle and grounding way to reconnect, with myself and with others. It helps soften the edges of defensiveness, resentment, or self-criticism, and brings me back into a more open-hearted state of being.
If you decide to try it, I’d really love to hear how it goes for you. Everyone experiences the practice differently, some find it immediately soothing, while for others it can bring up unexpected emotions. Both are completely valid. Whatever your experience, you're simply meeting yourself where you are, with kindness. Let me know if you give it a try, I'd be curious to hear what comes up for you.
Esther Perel’s questions around self love
These questions to explore self love are taken from this post by Esther Perel.
Can I acknowledge that I messed up without telling myself I’m a mess?
Can I practice regret without falling into an abyss?
Can I take responsibility without blaming myself?
Can I apologize for a mistake instead of hoping everyone will just move on?
Can I acknowledge a time when I could have been a better leader in my own life?
Can I release myself from the shame of having not responded sooner to someone so that I can finally reach out?
Can I accept that I will be okay even if someone who hurt me—a parent, former partner, friend, or stranger—never acknowledges the pain they caused?
Can I let someone treat me for a coffee, dinner, or movie without feeling guilty?
Can I accept help from another without jumping to the conclusion that they want something from me?
Can I hold my point of view without being validated for it?
